Would Zombies eat our bread or granola?

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Published on Thursday, 21 July 2011 23:58

Written by Doug

Believe or not, I get this question quite often.

And I generally respond by saying that zombies probably would not care for our flax granola but they might like our unbaked bread dough, particularly the ground up mash of whole-grain sprouted wheat that comprises about 95% of our bread dough.

I say this because I imagine that, just as there are vegans and vegetarians among us living-breathing humans, there are probably "more-evolved" zombies who would not care to dine on human brain.

And to prove that point, I offer the following illustration...

"H" represents all human activity and "Z" represents all zombie activity.

Where these two groups intersect is all we really talk about because this is the point where zombies want to eat our brains and we want to shoot them in the head.

But assuming for one minute that we could look beyond that horrible fact, I think we would realize that zombies must have "down time" just like we do wherein they might enjoy other activities, develop interpersonal relationships, show interests, express likes, dislikes, etc.

And once you accept the possibility that Zombies lead fairly complex lives then I think it becomes easier to imagine that their diet is more diverse than we think.

So what kinds of foods might Zombies enjoy eating once they've gotten tired of eating human brains?

To answer that question, I think we need to analyze the food we know Zombies love and, to do that, I offer the following illustration...

As the label indicates uncooked Human brain is moderately low in protein and fats and has no carbs but is ridiculously high in cholesterol.

So from this, can we infer that Zombies love cholesterol?

Perhaps.

I mean, I suppose the one real benefit to being "undead" is that you're no longer going to have think about weight gain. Or, for that matter, arteriolosclerosis.    .

But I would imagine even Zombies would still concern themselves with a food's texture, it's mouth feel, it's... I don't know, deliciousness. After all, they do seem to ravage their food, they seem to really enjoy eating.

Which brings us to our sprouted whole grain wheat mash - the basis for all our breads.

It's very moist, for one, and it has the basic color and a similar texture to Zombie's food of choice but comes with none of the cholesterol.

Which is why, if the day should ever come where you find yourself entertaining a civilized, non-brain-eating zombie, you could offer them a bowl of our sprouted wheat mash.

And they just might thank you for it.